Twenty-seven, or maybe twenty-eight—this was my ideal age to get married. As a young girl, I dreamed of an oh-so-perfect life with my prince charming. Blame it to our romance-induced media. At thirty, I can no longer count how many times I got asked with these questions: Why are you still single? When are you getting married? What are you waiting for?
A lot of times, I’d just laugh it off. I try to not be bothered by it. As the questions never stopped, I can’t help but ask myself as well. Like yeah, why? I’d like to think it was a deliberate choice when I was younger. The first time that I wrote a letter to my mother, I promised her that I’ll remain single until I finish my studies. I was too prideful not to fulfil that promise.
I am not quite sure what happened after that. In my lowest moments, I’d tend to doubt my self-worth. Maybe I’m not beautiful enough or good enough to be pursued. Sometimes I’d blame it to my preferences. Maybe my standards are too high. And well, I’m generally okay with my life. I am surrounded by people who make my life more joyful and bearable. Why do I need a “special someone” when I am totally fine without one? If I remain single for so long, does it mean that my life is a waste? But the real question for me is, am I really ready for it?
“When you love, you are patient.” This sounds so cliché. But looking back, I’ve seen how God has been so patient with me. Staying single for years helped me to go deeper in understanding myself. I get to discover little by little all those wounds that hindered me to be truly myself and be open to others. Yes, it’s a painful process of uncovering and facing all those internal battles. The enduring love of God helped me get through those times of loneliness, uncertainties, and even doubts about my identity and purpose. I realize how God has been preparing me, my heart and all. He has been drawing me closer to Him, to see how much He loves me and how He desires for my heart to be like His. All the rejections and heartaches that He allowed me to experience helped me to see how much I still need to grow in loving truly, especially in choosing to will the good of the other. And it’s a never-ending journey of searching, learning, and growing.
It is not easy to stand on my ground and be firm on my belief in love and relationships, especially in this age of instant gratification and the like. It is totally normal to complain and be impatient. But the Lord is constantly reassuring me that I can rely on His beautiful plans, though it may be totally different from how I want it to be. I realize that it’s not so much about God’s timing. He knows my heart, my desires and fears. He knows when I will be ready. Whenever and whatever it may be, God is calling me to live out my purpose each day—to love as He loves. I am always scared with this line, but with God’s grace, I hope to say, “My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready” (Ps. 107:2).
Written by Rhea Christine Sescon. Rhea has been serving Pure Heart Philippines since 2014 and is currently a full-time missionary.